Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dear New Bus Driver:

At least I hope you were new.  Otherwise this letter should be titled, "Dear Nervous Bus Driver."  In any event, I've previously complained about bus drivers driving out of control and far too fast than they should be.  Today I will be complaining about how unbelievably slow you were.  Its as if today was the first time you have ever been behind the wheel of a bus.  I seriously felt like I was in drivers ed all over again.  I don't think we went above 20 miles an hour the entire bus ride.  At first I thought there was lots of traffic, but no... you were just apparently scared of the cars parked on the side of the road.  Which, sadly, you will have to get accustomed to because that's where cars park in the city.  And it wasn't just the slow speed that was getting to me.  No, it was the constant application of the brake for no apparent reason.  Stop-and-go traffic is normally reserved for busy city streets and backed up highways, not empty residential city streets in which there are no cars in front of you.  After a slow herky-jerky drive down a straight road, things got dicey when we had to take a left.  It took the entire length of the light to make that turn with no oncoming traffic mind you.  I'm sure the people behind us loved that.  The real show-stopper came at the rotary though.  We spent a solid 15 minutes on that rotary pinned in the far right lane moving about 6 inches every couple of minutes while cars whizzed past us.  Merging can be difficult on a rotary, but you drive a giant fucking bus.  Just put your signal on and start moving over.  They'll get out of the way.  Trust me.  You're a giant fucking bus.  One saving grace, however, is that I didn't almost die.  And that's always a plus on public transportation.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Person Who Did Not Clean Up After Their Dog:

There are lots of places I expect to find dog shit -- the woods, a dog park, an open field -- but the middle of a city sidewalk is not one of those places.  Honestly, who the fuck lets their dog shit in the middle of a city sidewalk? And how fucking lazy and inconsiderate are you that you can't clean that shit up?  This is how you and your dog have wronged me today.  I was busy meandering through a mass of slow-walkers when suddenly I slipped and nearly fell.  I looked back to discover that in my haste I stepped directly in large pile of shit.  Disgusting.  I was left trying to wipe it off as best I could while everyone walked around me giving me dirty looks as if I had shit on the sidewalk personally.  To add to my misery, I was wearing fucking sandals.  Do you know how gross it is to get dog shit all over your sandals?  Fortunately none actually came in contact with my foot, but it's still too close for comfort for my liking.  What I really needed was a hose, but sadly there are no publicly available hoses for me to use.  So instead I was left using disposable forks and knives to try and pick the shit out of the grooves of my sandals.  So fucking gross. 

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dear Girls Sitting Next To Me At the Baseball Game:

You started off perfectly normally.  And then you started drinking.  And then it went downhill fast.  You were actually more amusing than annoying for the most part, but two things contributed to your downfall:  your voices and your stupidity.  I cannot express how annoying one of your voices became the more you had to drink.  It was like you forgot how most words are actually pronounced and what syllable you were supposed to stress.  As I was actually trying to watch the baseball game, most of what I heard what was probably somewhat out of context, and rather than a cohesive view of your inane conversation, I can sadly only piece together bits and pieces.

You started off talking about one of your relationships.  You sound so stereotypically girly, I couldn't believe it was actually happening.  Every sentence started off with something like, "I mean, I really feel like, on the inside, personally..."  We get it.  You have feelings and emotions.  One of you wanted to get married.  Bad.  Its unclear whether or not your boyfriend was on the same page though.  I'm 99% sure you weren't actually engaged yet.  You actually uttered the comment, "I'm going to be the skinniest bride ever.  Like, ever.  I'm just going to stop eating for like 4 months."  Yeah, because that's both healthy and attractive..

Later on your conversation moved towards vegetarians.  You said, "I was really surprised vegetarians don't eats eggs.  I thought that made you vegan if you didn't eat eggs, because of the whole no dairy thing."  Last time I checked, vegetarians do eat eggs, and more importantly, eggs are not dairy products.  Thanks for playing though.  You also couldn't fathom not eating chicken either because you would miss so many things like, "chicken salad, chicken wraps, and that time [you] made chicken in the crock pot."  Really?  That's the best you could come up with?

Lastly, your stupidity reached a new low when the entire crowd was chanting, "Here we go Red Sox, here we go.."  and you and you alone were chanting, "Let's go Red Sox...."  I appreciate the sentiment, but its a totally different cheer with a completely different clap-pattern. 

What's worse, I think you two were teachers and given how drunk you appeared to be last night, I hope you had a fun time pretending you weren't hungover this morning in front of your students.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Dear Person Who Littered:

How fucking lazy are you?  Honestly, I couldn't believe what I witnessed.  While sitting in your parked car, you rolled down your window and threw out a couple of scratch tickets on to the ground next to you.  I feel like scratch tickets seem to be the classic piece of litter you see strewn about the streets.  Moments later you emerged from your car.  Like a small child kicking some rocks down the road, you proceeded to kick your scratch tickets while you walked.  You kicked them allllll the way to the entrance of store you were apparently going into.  In fact, you kicked them until they were no more than six inches away from a trash can.  There were actually two trash cans, one on either side of the entrance.  Your only saving grace was that you were really old.  I try not to yell at or make snarky comments to old people.  But come on, lady, what the fuck?  If you are willing and able to kick your trash from your car to the entrance of the store, you are more than capable of acting like an respectable member of society and just throwing your shit out in the trash can.  It wasn't even out of your way.  It actually would have taken less effort to just carry the tickets over and deposit them in the trash can than it was to kick them around for 30 feet.  Man, people like you suck.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Dear Oddly Tanned Girl:

You looked ridiculous.  That shade of orange is normally reserved for Oompa Loompas and Fanta soft drinks.  I'm guessing your list of interests on Facebook include tanning and Jersey Shore.  Your hideous bright pink sweater was not helping your general look either.  You looked like someone vomited up Pepto Bismol and carrots.  I ordinarily try to avoid making fun of people's appearances because that's just immature and clearly this blog is all about maturity, but unfortunately you caught my attention because you don't know how to drive a car like an adult.  God forbid the car in front of you stop at a crosswalk to let someone cross the street.  That definitely warrants leaning on your horn for 18 straight seconds.  You managed to do this while simultaneously texting on your cell phone too, which I'm pretty sure is illegal now.  Just to recap this situation here:  1) Bad fake tan 2) Obnoxious beeping 3) Texting while driving.  You, Ms. Oddly Tanned Girl, are a class act indeed.