Monday, May 31, 2010

Dear People Hawk-Watching:

I think you people need better hobbies.   Hawks are kind of cool, I guess.  They're big and badass looking, but I'm pretty sure you've have seen hawks before.  They're not like fucking bald eagles.  And yet, these hawks that have taken up residence on some building near the highway have managed captured the hearts of you weirdos for no apparent reason.  I've driven by these hawks several times this weekend and every time I go pass them, there's more and more people watching these fucking hawks.  And not just folks walking by and stopping for a moment to check them out.  You people have fucking lawn chairs.  Just setup by the edge of the highway, chilling out for god knows how long.  You also have cameras.  Not normal digital cameras.  Cameras so fucking big I didn't know they existed.  I mean, one camera had like a 36 inch telescopic lens with a diameter at least 8 inches wide.  Absolutely absurd.  All for some hawks.  I mean, how long can you honestly sit there and watch hawks.  They don't really do anything.  They kind of just sit there and look majestic.  I'm half-hoping to read about one of them attacking you folks in the paper this week.  That would be kind of terrible, but 100% hilarious.  I will leave you with a quote from a friend of mine:  "Go back to the fucking suburbs." 

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dear Person Standing in Line at the Deli Counter:

You looked like a runner.  Not a casual runner.  I mean one of those guys who are way too into running.  The ones with the fluorescent short-shorts and a tiny tank top that looks like it was a bib from an event you might have ran 8 years ago.  I expected you to be old and kind of creepy looking -- maybe balding with a terrible mustache -- but you were surprisingly young.  You made my sandwich buying experience very awkward and thus you have wronged me today.  Much like I was, you were standing around waiting for your sandwich.  However, you decided to prop your leg up on the deli case while we were waiting.  This is kind of a weird thing to do anyways, but it was exacerbated by your fluorescent short-shorts.  Once that leg got up there, it seemed like it was only a matter of time before something fell out of your shorts.  Fortunately, this didn't occur.  You made things even weirder by rocking back and forth slowly.  Sort of like a lunge-type movement with your leg all propped up.  I don't know.  It's hard to explain, but trust me when I tell you -- it was fucking uncomfortable.  No one needs to see your skinny pasty white thighs while ordering food.  It's just gross man.  Plus, you were all sweaty from running.  It's just offensive on so many levels, especially when food is involved.  I'd give you some advice and tell you not to pull that shit in the future, but you running types are a weird bunch and I just know you're going to keep awkwardly lunging in public with shorts that are way too fucking short.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Dear Person Who Fixed My Glasses:

What a fucking weirdo.  You were so devoid of emotion and personality, I would have actually preferred you to be a giant prick to me.  After that asshole bus driver shut the door in my face and got my glasses all bent, I headed down to my local LensCrafters to get a sweet free adjustment.  You were there ready and willing to fix my frames.  I told you the story about how they got bent.  It seemed like a reasonable thing to do.  It is kind of a funny story afterall, isn't it?  You didn't laugh.  You didn't smile.  I don't even think you even fucking blinked.  Instead you sat there and stared at me like a giant weirdo.  No verbal response.  No raised eyebrow.  Nothing.   So fucking weird.  I really think it would have been better if you gave me a dirty look and told me my story sucked.  I mean, I still would have blogged about you for being a giant asshole, but hey -- I'd rather be a dick than weird.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Dear Bus Driver Who Shut Door on Me:

You know, it's one thing to shut the door on me, but its a whole other thing to be a huge asshole about it.  As I was walking down the street, I saw your bus pass me.  Although it seemed unlikely that I was going to make it to the next stop in time, I decided to give a go.  So I took off down the street.  Nothing says city living like sprinting full speed down the street in work attire.  Much to my surprise and delight, there were a lot of people entering and exiting the bus.  I approached the door; triumphantly stepped foot inside the bus; and what happened?  You shut the fucking door on me while I was halfway inside the bus.  Apparently bus doors are not like elevator doors.  They do not stop when something is in the way.  The door clipped me across the front of my face and nose and knocked my glasses off my face and into the street.  This was not a pleasant feeling.  I was stunned for a moment, but I stepped back and picked up my glasses.  (Which were slightly bent now -- thanks a lot, asshole).  You opened the door, which was a good thing, because I would have definitely flipped my shit otherwise.  You apologized insincerely and asked if I was okay with a complete lack of enthusiasm or genuineness.  I got back on the bus with my bent glasses in hand and the first words out of your mouth were, "Next time you should be a little faster."  I was out of breath from my sprint down the block to catch the bus, and so I couldn't retort with anything beyond a dirty look.  I cannot believe you're going to fucking criticize me for shutting the door on me.  Its entirely possible that you just didn't look and didn't see me booking it down the street, but if that's the case, maybe you could have said something like, "Oh, I didn't see you."  Telling me to pick up the pace next time kind of makes it look like you did it on purpose.  Fucking asshole. 

Monday, May 17, 2010

Dear Creepy Bus Driver:

I see you fairly often in the morning.  You're usually my morning commute guy.  You seem like a perfectly normal person.  Excuse me, you seemed like a perfectly normal person.  That is until you started acting like a total creep today.  The bus was unusually packed.  Like jammed up by the door, no one can move, no new passengers packed.  Evidently the girl standing near you caught your attention.  Although I have never heard you speak to anyone, nor have you ever responded to me when I say "Good morning, " you started chatting this girl up like nobody's business.  The girl was clearly not into you based on her curt responses and general body language, but you did not let this dissuade you.  I don't even know what you were actually saying to this girl because I was trying to ignore you and your lame attempt at picking this girl up.  I don't know if you generally talk like that, or if that's your "I'm gonna hit on you" voice, but you sounded so fucking weird and creepy.  It honestly sounded like something straight out of "To Catch a Predator."  I mean, seriously though?  On the morning commute?  Anyways, when we pulled up to some train tracks, you explained to the girl how we had to stop and check for trains before proceeding, like she a) gave a fuck or b) didn't already know that.  You then asked her to check her side for you because he couldn't really see.  I'm sure she felt real special.  Isn't that shit you do for like a 4 year old to make them feel important?  Finally, at some point I started rifling through my backpack to look for something.  I was standing right next to you, so you thought it would be real cool to accuse me of going through your pockets.  Definitely a solid move, man.  Girls love it when you show off and act like a complete fucking douchebag for no apparent reason.  Fortunately the girl got off the bus shortly thereafter.  I'm entirely unsure if it was actually her stop or if she decided walking was a better option than listening to your creepy inane banter.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Bitchy Person on Bus:

I have four words for you: Shut the fuck up.  Public transportation sucks for a lot of reasons, and people like are you a big part of it.  You were on your phone the entire bus ride. What were talking to about?  How busy the bus is.  Over and over and over.  Have you never been on a bus before?   Like, ever?  Buses are busy.  Lots of people need to use them.  Particularly at 6pm during rush hour. Why?  Oh, I don't know... probably because everyone just got out of work and wants to get the fuck home.  I'm sure everyone else was just as thrilled as I was to hear you say, "Oh my god, the bus is so busy.. why are there so many people on the bus right now..." approximately 87 times.  I didn't hear you talk about anything of substance for about 18 minutes.  Just bitching about the bus every 20 seconds.  I feel very sorry for whoever you were talking to.  Although, if they were willing to listen to that entire phone call, they probably suck just as bad as you do.

But don't worry, your wronging of me and everyone else on the bus doesn't end with your annoying fucking phone call.  You also were a giant snarky bitch to virtually everyone who even thought about accidentally invading your personal space.  A lot of people have personal space issues, especially with strangers.  And that's fine.  But on a crowded rush hour bus, you do not actually have a 3 foot buffer around you.  People are going to cram in and they're going to accidentally bump into you and that's just how life is on public transportation.  You did not need to snap at every single person who brushed past you.  Which, I should note, wouldn't have been a problem if you just moved to the back of the fucking bus like you're supposed to.  I got a little snark directed at me when I accidentally bumped your head.  Despite your generally shitty behavior, I apologized like a respectable member of society, but I didn't mean it.  Not even a little.  Next time take a fucking cab if the bus is so god damn traumatic for you.  And seriously - shut the fuck up.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Dear Person With Snake:

Yeah, that's right.  Let that sink in for a minute.  This letter is about a fucking snake.  I was walking down the street, minding my own business as usual.  You were standing next to me, minding your own business as well.  Nothing unusual to report... until I look over and realize a fucking snake is wrapped around your arm from your hand to above your elbow.  What the fuck, man?  I mean, sure I might be a giant wuss, and sure the snake wasn't -that- big, but come on...  I feel like there should be a rule against walking around busy city streets with a snake wrapped around your fucking arm.  It was moving shit and could bite an innocent bystander.  You know, like me.  I did a triple take and then busted a move out of there.  I don't know what your deal is, but I hope I don't see you and your fucking snake again. 

Random Aside:

Below is a Wordle representation of my blog.  I kind of like it.  And apparently I swear a lot.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Dear People Making Out Part II:

I witnessed some more awkward PDA while taking the train home last night courtesy of you two.  Although it was still ridiculous and moderately offensive, it was at least late at night and not mid-afternoon in a very busy public space like last time.  So it was somewhat excusable.  Wait, no.  Its never excusable.  I really regretted sitting down across from you two.  I spent most of our ride reading every single advertisement I could find on the train, or simply closing my eyes, in an effort to avoid you two.  Nonetheless, I still unintentionally witnessed some uncomfortable groping and whatnot.  I thought you two were initially just having a really intense conversation at close range.  This soon evolved into full-on making out.  After witnessing some quick movement out of the corner of my eye, I thought you two were about to lay down on the seats.  Thank god this didn't occur.  You did, however, bury your head in your lady-friend's chest.  I'm 100% serious.  PDA is always ridiculous, but motorboating in public is the most absurd thing ever.  I should have just moved elsewhere on the train, but I was the next stop and I'm lazy.  I really hope you two were super drunk or something and don't act like that on a regular basis.  And if you do act like that, you guys are really fucking weird.