Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dear High School Kids:

I know, I know.  This already sounds a little too much of a "Get off my lawn" old man rant, but bear with me.  You two were on the bus talking about colleges.  Perfectly acceptable thing for high school kids to do.  Education is always a good thing.  You talked about Dartmouth and Cornell and Florida and Carleton and a bunch of other schools.  Everything is going good so far.  You started talking about how some schools might be better than others because you really "wanted to play for a good program."  So you're student athletes?  Great.  Happy to hear it.  Now is about the time things start to go south... You were really interested in Carleton and Florida because they had "two of the top teams in the country."  I was confused because I know that Carleton is a tiny liberal arts school in the middle of fucking nowhere in Minnesota.  What sports program do they possibly have that's one of the best in the country and rivals a big school like Florida?  Oh.  Fucking Ultimate Frisbee.  That's what.  I'm sorry, but that is not an actual sport.  Sure, it might be fun to some, and it certainly involves some level of athleticism, but last time I checked, that's not an official NCAA sport.  There are no actual Ultimate Frisbee leagues.  It's something you do after you smoke pot and you're tired of playing hacky sack.  Do schools really have Ultimate Frisbee programs?  Do they recruit kids to play for them?  Am I waaaay out of the loop here?  And its not so much that I'm opposed to Ultimate Frisbee, its that I cannot believe you are actually picking a college based on how good its fucking Ultimate Frisbee team is.  I mean, I'm not crazy, right?  That's like a weird fucking thing to do, right?  I feel like out of all the considerations you should take into account when picking a college that you will spend four years at and presumably spend a lot of money at, you should be a little more concerned with academics and degree programs and career prospects than you should be with whether or not you can play Ultimate fucking Frisbee.   Plus, if you can get into Dartmouth or Cornell, I assume you're pretty bright.  Unfortunately, your lack of judgement erases any sort of hope I had for you in your future endeavors.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Retro-Wronging -- Dear Person Sitting Next To Me At Jury Duty:

Just so we're clear, jury duty fucking sucks.  There's nothing pleasant about it.  You sit for upwards of eight hours in a small fucking room with a bunch of people with absolutely jack shit to do.  And even if you do get called out of the jury pool room and onto an actual real live jury, you get rewarded with possibly having to come back to whatever shit-hole courthouse you're in and miss more work for someone's bullshit car accident trial.  Whatever.  Let's get back to the jury pool room.  Hopefully you planned ahead and brought a book, otherwise you'll want to light yourself on fire within about forty-five minutes of sitting there quietly.  Sometimes you get dismissed early, other times you sit there for an eternity "performing your civic duty."

Now, Person Sitting Next To Me, apparently you heeded my advice and brought a book.  What book did you bring?  Well, the Holy Bible, of course.  Obviously jury duty is a great time to catch up on your spiritual journey through life.  Now, this in and of itself is not offensive at all.  Here's what is offensive though:  when you started to read it out loud.  Look, I really don't care what people read or how religious they are or any bullshit like that, but I don't want to hear you fucking read Psalms and Letters to the Corinthians and all sorts of other Biblical shit all afternoon.  Its not like you just read for a few minutes, you read out loud for like three and a half fucking hours.  You could have been reading my favorite novel of all time out loud and I still would have been bullshit for having to listen to you all afternoon.  Why do you think its appropriate to read out loud?  Did you think you were being quiet?  Or were passive-aggressively trying to preach to the few people around you?  Whatever you were trying to do -- don't.  Just shut the fuck up and read to yourself like the other 45 people in the room.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dear People Soliciting Me For Donations:

This isn't directed at any one particular person or organization, but rather a seemingly endless onslaught of people who want my time and money.  I see you folks pretty much every single day.  You're always there with your clipboard and your snazzy shirts or jackets indicating what tireless organization you're currently shilling for.  You normally work for good causes.  Things I could, theoretically, get behind.  Unfortunately, I'm pretty broke.  Like many 20-somethings, I make little money and have a tremendous amount of student loan debt.  So even if I wanted to give you money, I'm not going to.  Sorry, folks.  I'm not sure if you really believe strongly in these causes, or if you just need a job, and being an annoying solicitor is as good as it gets in this shitty economy.  Usually you try and flag me down and I just say something curt like "Sorry, not today."  I mean, tomorrow or the day after isn't going to be any different, but whatever.

Some of you, however, have absolutely ridiculous techniques to try and get my attention.  None of these work, and usually just piss me off more than anything.  Here are some recent examples:

1)  You flagged me down and complimented me on my tie.  I said thank you and tried to keep walking, but instead you grabbed my hand to shake it.  First off, I'm not opposed to hand-shaking, but that's a little aggressive for strangers on the street.  Secondly, the first words out of your mouth were, "You're not afraid of black people, right?"  What the fuck, dude?  That is not a way to start a conversation.  You were black, and I assume you were trying to appeal to my "not a racist" side of me, but seriously?  Trying to guilt me into whatever fucking cause you're soliciting by implying that I'd be somehow racist by not listening to your spiel is fucking bullshit.  Worst technique ever.  I was immediately pissed off and left without giving you a second thought.

2)  You flagged me down and immediately said, "You have a beard, you must like [insert hippie cause here.]"  Yeah, because I have a beard I must fucking love saving the environment or the whales or whatever other bullshit Greenpeace cause you were touting.  Don't make assumptions, asshole.

3)  You flagged me down and said something about how cute you were and how I should listen to your Save the Children or some nonsense.  Now, you were a very attractive female, but... not a good approach.  How much of a fucking douchebag would I be if I ignored all the other annoying solicitors, but listen to you simply because you're attractive and you know it?  I suppose it's somewhat clever in that you might actually find some douchebags willing to listen to you talk for a few minutes in some misguided hope that you were somehow hitting on them.  But I'm not stupid, and I'm not listening to your sales pitch no matter how good looking you are.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Dear Bus Who Passed Me:

Look, Person Driving Bus, this one isn't entirely your fault, but since you're ostensibly in charge of your bus, I'm going to have to blame you.  Today was kind of chilly, kind of rainy, and kind of dark (thanks to daylight savings), and I was really excited to see you come down the street so I could hop on and get the fuck home from work.  However, you didn't stop.  You did slow and almost come to a stop like a giant fucking tease, but instead, you kept going much to our dismay.  I'm not sure why you even bothered pretending like you were going to stop.  All that did was get our hopes up and ultimately piss us off.  I mean, we'd still be pissed if you didn't slow down and just kept speeding passed us.  But at least we wouldn't have had our hopes dashed.  I think you didn't stop because your bus was packed and, theoretically, there was no room to let anyone else on the bus.  The only issue I have with this is that your bus wasn't actually packed.  Sure, the area surrounding the fare machine was mobbed.  There was like fourteen people crammed into a four foot square right by the door for no reason whatsoever.  The back of the bus, however, was actually pretty empty.  In fact, if all those assholes standing by the door moved into the back of the bus like they're supposed to, or at least spread out, you'd have noticed that there was plenty of room in your bus and could have picked up the three fucking people that were waiting.  But no.. you didn't know your bus was half-empty and so you just kept on going.  Awesome.  I'm so glad those lazy fucking people who wouldn't move past the front of the bus clouded your judgment and prevented me from catching my bus today.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dear Person Wearing Cologne:

Holy shit.  How much fucking cologne were you wearing?  Naturally, I was on the bus, so I had zero fresh air and nowhere to turn.  I don't even know which asshole you actually were.  I kept looking around trying to figure out where that cloud of cologne was coming from, but I couldn't figure it out.  I felt like I was living in an unfortunate Stetson advertisement.  Either that or another one of those ridiculous MBTA chemical attack/gas leak drills.  I am not exaggerating even a little when I say that my eyes were watering and my throat was itching and burning.  I even tried covering my mouth and nose with the sleeve of my jacket in an attempt to breathe somewhat normally.  This did not help.  Fortunately I wasn't the only one suffocating under the fumes of your scent.  I noticed a few other people who were also visibly uncomfortable trying to figure out which asshole reeked.  I mean, how does that not bother you?  You have to smell yourself allllll day long.  And trust me, its not pleasant.  If you think you smell good, you don't.  Maybe you didn't mean to use all that cologne.  Maybe you accidentally spilled like half the fucking bottle on yourself and didn't bother changing.  Or maybe you don't have a sense of smell and are unaware that you are slowly poisoning those around you.  I don't know.  Bur whatever it was, it sucked for the rest of us.  I think I'd almost rather smell BO than your obscene cologne simply because at least BO wouldn't physically interfere with my breathing.