Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear City of Boston and its Commuters:

It snowed on Monday for the first time this winter.  Not very much really -- 2 to 3 inches tops -- but it did stick. Somehow that nominal amount of snow managed to royally fuck up everyone's commute.  How is this possible? How is Boston unable to get its shit together for a little bit of snow?  It's not like we live in fucking North Carolina where it only snows like every eight years.  It's fucking Boston.  It snows every year.  And not just like a little.  We get big fucking Nor'easters every winter.  I don't understand how this tiny "storm" caused so many traffic delays.  For example, my commute home is usually about 20 minutes.  Monday night it was an hour.  In the grand scheme of things, this isn't terrible.  My co-workers who live in the 'burbs, however, were way more screwed.  One co-worker (who only lives 12 miles away from the city) had a three hour commute home.  Another got stuck on some heinous bus that wasn't moving anywhere and took nearly two hours.  And it took yet another person three and a half hours.  Holy shit.  Honestly, how is this even possible?  I'm not even sure the 2 inches of snow required plowing.  I can't think of a logical explanation for why traffic turned into such a shit-show for such a relatively minor snowfall.  I don't even know who or what to blame for this.  Even my commute to work on Tuesday morning took almost an hour.  It wasn't even snowing Tuesday morning and the streets were clear.  None of this makes sense.  Come on, Boston.  I'm going to be bullshit if this turns into a running theme for the rest of the winter.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

New Feature: How The Fuck Did You Get Here?

By way of full disclosure, I am blatantly stealing this new feature from Tales from Library Land.  The author goes by Bitchy Librarian and can be found on Twitter here:  

Basically, people find my blog (and other blogs obviously), by Googling absolutely ridiculous shit.  Interestingly, thanks to this one random post from over the summer -- Dear Girl Who Rubbed Her Boobs on My Friend -- I get a lot of weirdo boob related Google searches that point to my blog.  For example:

Boobs being rubbed on glass -- Uh, really?  I assume this is some weird semi-kinky porn thing?  Maybe?  I assume most things on the internet are some weird semi-kinky porn thing.  

Boobs today blogspot -- "Boobs Today" sounds like a morning talk show or some sort of magazine informing the public as to latest and greatest in boob news.

Girl rubbing her boobs on me -- Is someone having a problem with this at school or at work?  Doesn't really sound like a kinky porn thing this time, kind of sounds like someone looking for advice.

How to get a girl to like you and rubbed her boobs -- This definitely looks like some young kid just doing some searching on the internet, trying to find out how to touch some boobs.  The first part is kind of sweet, he just wants a girl to like him, but then he takes it up a notch by taking the extra step of figuring out how to get to 2nd base.  I'm curious what the web results for this actually look like. 

There, of course, non-boob related searches that are also amusing, such as:

How to clean barf from your sink -- Did it stain your sink?  Will it not go down the drain?  What exactly is the issue here?

Humboldt park hipster -- I don't know where Humboldt Park is, but I no doubt would hate the hipsters that live there.  I'm a little sad anyone looking for hipsters found my blog.  Apparently Google hasn't figured out yet that I fucking hate hipsters.

Proper way to clean vomit bus -- Now this one makes me laugh.  I have yet to witness anyone vomiting on the bus, but if I did, you can bet your ass I'd be blogging about it.  That would be fucking terrible.

Special vomiting sink -- What the fuck is this?  It sounds like the sink is doing the vomiting.  Which, actually, would be something special.  

Anyways, that's all I got for now.  Maybe I'll do this again next month.  You know, if anyone actually found this amusing.  I'm guessing this wasn't my strongest post...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Dear Person Who Writes This Blog:

What the fuck, dude?  If you're actually going to have a blog, you have to, you know, write something once in a while.  You can't just hoodwink a bunch of strangers into reading it and then not update it for weeks.  People still check this shit, and I'm sure their sorely disappointed when its the same lame post from last month.  I mean, they're probably not that disappointed.  This really isn't the greatest thing ever.  It's mostly a whiny forum to be needlessly angry and complain about completely inconsequential shit.  Maybe you just haven't been wronged lately.  That seems plausible and almost understandable.  Everyone can't be that terrible all the time, can they?

But even then.. you should really be putting something up online.  Fucking make stories up if you have to.  Rant about esoteric things.  Continue to hate on hipsters.  Anything.  Just put something up, man.  You could even make up some completely random and borderline weird third-person account of your blog and lack of updates as if it were a person who has wronged you...

Just an idea.