Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dear Person Who Wouldn't Let Me Pass Them:

My current job requires me to drive to work.  Which means no more public transportation. Which means the risk of running into complete wierdos is significantly less while sitting by myself in my car.  (This does not bode well for my attempt at rejuvenating this blog.)  That being said, there are some asshole drivers out there.  In fact, Boston drivers are routinely rated as among the worst in the nation.  You are a prime example of one of those asshole drivers.  I don't think I drive particularly fast, but I certainly drive above the speed limit.  I usually pony up in the far left lane (i.e. what should be the "fast lane"), and just go with the flow of traffic.  That is until I encounter someone driving annoyingly slow, in which case I pass them and continue on my merry way in the "fast lane."  You were driving annoyingly slow.  Eventually I saw my opportunity to pass, so I pulled into the adjacent lane, sped up, and planned to pass you without any issues.  You, however, decided that you were not going to let me pass you.  Instead of driving at the annoyingly slow speed in which you were driving, you decide to pick up the pace and drive right next to me.  So, I continued to speed up, and naturally you proceed to speed right up along with me.  Eventually I caught up to the car in front of me and had to slow down and pull back in behind you.  Because you're apparently a huge dick, you decreased your speed back down to your annoyingly slow speed.  What the fuck, dude?  Why arbitrarily speed up like 20 fucking mph just to prevent me from passing you?  I can't even think of a reason you would want to do this besides the possibility that you simply enjoy being an asshole.  Did I somehow offend you with the notion that you're driving too slow and therefore you decided to prevent me from moving on?  Do you think you're some sort of "neighborhood patrol" of the highway, making sure no one is driving too fast on your watch?  And why are you even in the "fast lane" if you're going to drive so fucking slow?  Move over and drive with the other people ostensibly obeying the speed limit and let the rest of us who want to get the fuck home from work do so at our own pace.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Dear Woman Who Hit On Me:

At first glance this doesn't seem so terrible.  You were, however, like 40.  Still not necessarily terrible yet, you know, if you're into whole "cougar" sort of thing.  You were also shit-faced.  Arguably, this isn't that terrible either, but in between hitting me you also asked for change, so.. I think you were also homeless.  Now, I don't like poking fun at the homeless.  They obviously have had a rough life in some capacity, but getting hit on the bus stop by a drunk homeless woman is certainly fucking awkward.  You started things off by sauntering towards me in some sort of seductive manner.  Okay, seductive isn't the right word.  More like so drunk you could barely walk.  While sauntering/stumbling towards me you began singing "Rehab" by the late Amy Winehouse.  Given your incredible state of intoxication, this sounds about right.  You proceeded to stand as close to me as possible, despite my being the only person at the bus stop, and continued singing while simultaneously "making eyes" at me. After finishing your song, you proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions about what I was up to for the evening and where I lived.  Fucking awkward.  I should also note, that your vodka scented perfume was wonderful.  Your plastic change cup also exuded a certain level of class and sophistication.  How could I resist?  After you realized that your attempt at conversation was not going to be successful you began what I can only describe as wailing -- like a siren -- while periodically telling me "Giddy-up Daddy."  Naturally, the bus was nowhere to be found for quite some time, so I had to put up with this for while.  And thank god you did not try and sit next to me on the bus when it finally fucking came.  As absurd as the situation was from the get-go, I would not have been able to handle sitting next to your drunken hot mess for the entire bus ride.  So, sober up and don't fucking hit on strangers waiting for the bus.  Thanks.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Holy Shit.

Due to strange circumstances and popular demand (that might be a lie), I think I'm going to start writing this again.  New post tomorrow.  Maybe?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Dear Woman in Market:

I was doing some shopping in an outdoor market.  It was very crowded.  People were pushing and shoving and weaseling their way through the crowd trying to navigate the masses.  Many people had those obnoxious rolling shopping cart things to put all their shit in.  I was standing off to the side while I waited for a friend to buy some veggies.  While waiting I felt something bump into my foot.  I turned to find a little old lady.  You had mistakenly bumped your obnoxious rolling cart thing into the side of my foot.  I smiled as if to say, "No worries, old lady."  Instead of being polite and perhaps pushing your cart elsewhere, you just looked at me briefly and then proceeded to drag your cart over my poor foot.  I should note that I was wearing sandals when this occurred, and having someone drag a small shopping cart over your mostly bare foot is not particularly pleasant.  But hey, I haven't actually been wronged in weeks, so good job little old lady with the annoying cart.  Way to wrong me today.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Dear Person on Plane:

Flying tends to suck.  From packing, to arriving at the airport nine hours early, to sitting in shitty cramped seats next to potentially terrible strangers, to hoping your luggages arrives with you, its all just a big hassle.  Now, I sat next to you on the plane, which actually wasn't terrible at all, but it seems as though I wronged you.  You looked pretty fancy in your nice suit and all.  No doubt traveling for business.  You took your suit coat off and put it in the overhead compartment.  I didn't think anything of it at the time, but in retrospect that seemed like a poor decision.  After you carefully laid your suit coat out over the length of the overhead, I put my bag up there, because... well, that's where my bag goes.  As soon as I was finished putting my stuff up there, you scoffed loudly, gave me a dirty look, and then got up and opened the overhead compartment, and re-laid out your coat.  I mean, I don't even think my bag was crumpling your coat, but whatever.  If you don't want your coat to possibly wrinkled, don't put it in the fucking overhead compartment.  Or if you do, wait until everyone else has their shit in there before putting your coat in.  I mean, did you really think no one was going to put anything else up there?  Like the overhead is your own personal coat stowing location?  And why not fold it up or something, instead of just laying it flat in the overhead.  Maybe you think I'm the asshole because I just shoved my bag in there without saying anything.  Well, given your reaction, you definitely think I'm the asshole here, but I don't care.  Your whole thought process with what to do you with your fancy suit jacket was flawed from the get-go.  You and your coat do not get any special privileges.  Especially when you're flying coach like the rest of us.  

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

One Year Anniversary:

So, its been about one year since I started writing this ridiculous blog.  I had no real expectations for it beyond making me and a few of my friends laugh.  I only showed it to maybe 20 people tops, but through the power of the interwebs, a lot more people have seen it. 

In fact, I've had over 2,000 unique visitors and over 10,000 page views.

Now, in the grand scheme of the internet, this is entirely unimpressive.  But in the grand scheme of me, I am quite pleased with myself. 

I know I've been slacking lately, so I'll put up a new post later in the week.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Dear Commuter Rail Train:

I had the distinct displeasure of riding the commuter rail the other day (which if you're not from Boston, is the train that goes out into the suburbs, as opposed to the subway in the city).  Well, I actually never stepped foot on a train, but we'll get to that later.  I rarely ever need to ride the commuter rail, since I'm almost always in the city, but yesterday I was in the 'burbs and needed to get back into the city.  There were two trains scheduled for the afternoon.  One at 3:20ish and the other at 3:40ish.  I arrived in time for the 3:20 and promptly waited about 20 minutes in the cold.  No train.  Eventually a little message on the video board popped up and informed us all that the next train would not be for another 40 minutes.  Awesome.  I'm glad the schedules aren't even a little bit close to being correct.  Everyone was understandably pissed.  Fortunately the person who drove me to the train waited for me, so I slunk back to the car.  We went to the store to kill time until the next train.  We get back to the station about 10 minutes before the train is expected to arrive and greeted by a new message on the video board.  This one says that the next train is "not moving."  That's literally all it said.  No expected arrival times.  Just that the train isn't moving.  We waited a while longer to see if the message would update with some, you know, useful information, but of course it didn't.  At what point did they figure out that this train wasn't going to arrive at 3:20 or 3:40?  It wasn't until after 4 that they decided to mention that the train wasn't going to come.  Surely someone had to have an idea before 4 that the train was going to be severely delayed.  Eventually we abandoned the commuter rail and drove to a subway stop much closer to the city.  Fucking ridiculous.

Someway, somehow, the MBTA manages to reach new lows each and every week.  Sure, all the snow and bad weather certainly doesn't help, but.. does everything have go wrong every fucking day? We've had fires, systemic delays, almost daily dead trains, people stranded at bus stops on some of the coldest days of the year, and even a fucking lost boa constrictor.  I don't remember it being this bad last year.

But hey, if you're wondering whether or not the T is delayed, you can always check here:  http://isthembtadelayed.com/

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dear Change of Shift Bus Drivers:

This goes out to both of you.  I was waiting for a bus last night.  It was pretty freggin' cold out and the bus is rarely ever on time.  Shockingly, you arrived on time.  You did not, however, let us on the bus.  Why not?  Well, your shift was over and the bus driver who was supposed to take over for you was nowhere to be found.  You didn't go home though.  You waited in the bus until the other driver came.  Seriously?  Why the fuck do we need to stand outside in the cold while you wait in the (slightly) warmer bus?  Anyways, about ten minutes go by while we wait outside growing increasingly disgruntled.  Eventually you decide to make a phone call.  I don't know if it was a personal call or if you were calling dispatch to see where the fuck the other driver was.  You were on the phone for a while.  A couple minutes later an MBTA truck, with its flashing lights on and everything, comes cruising around the corner with our missing bus driver.  Awesome.  However, we still don't get to on the bus for a little while longer, because you two decided to chit-chat in the privacy of the bus for a few minutes until you decide to open the doors and let us freezing people inside.  Why the fuck couldn't we get on the bus while we were waiting again?  Is there some nonsense policy against this for some reason?  It's not like the bus was unoccupied or unsupervised.  It's just illogical and discourteous to leave people in the cold because some asshole can't get to work on time.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Dear Little Girl:

I was walking to work this morning when I came across a little girl going to school.  She was probably around 9 or 10 years old.  Sounds harmless, right?  Wrong.  She was walking towards me when suddenly she stopped about 10 feet from me, looked at me suspiciously, and then screamed, "Daddy!"  She then took off running past me.  What the fuck was that?  I'm 98% certain I don't look like a kidnapper or a pedophile, and yet this girl seemingly flipped her shit at the sight of me.   I do have a beard, but.. a beard isn't that weird, right?  I had no idea what to do.  I basically froze in place and looked around frantically hoping that there wasn't anyone watching.  I definitely did not want to be the subject of a "Stranger Danger" inquiry from the police.  Fortunately for me, no one was around, but I was weirded out all day.  Perhaps there's an explanation for what happened.  Maybe the little girl forgot her lunch or homework and her scream wasn't so much of a scream as it was a "Hey, Dad, wait a second.." yell.  Or maybe her father was in the military and she hadn't seen him for like a year, and he had magically appeared on the street for a wondrous family reunion at 8am and it was a scream of joy she let out.  Okay, that one's a stretch.  But seriously, what the fuck Little Girl?  You managed to both scare me and make me paranoid that people in my neighborhood think I'm a fucking child predator.  Awesome.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sharing a Post: Let Me Get This Straight

This story is all kinds of hilarious, frustrating, ridiculous, etc.  I wish this happened to me so I could write an absurd "Dear Bus Driver:" post.  Gotta love the MBTA sometimes.

Let Me Get This Straight.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Dear Person Who Walked Into Me:

This is really petty, but you were a douchebag (and I have nothing else to write about), so I don't care.  I was opening a door at work.  One that opened towards me.  I opened the door, went to walk through, and you came rushing in and walked square into me.  I'm not a complete asshole, so I said, "Oh, sorry about that."  Your response was to scoff loudly, sigh deeply, condescendingly say, "Excuse me" and then roll your eyes as you brush past me.  Hey, fuck you, buddy.  You didn't think as you were walking down the hall and the door magically opened from the inside that maybe someone was walking out?  Its not like interior office doors with handles are often automatic.  Nor is it likely that anyone would anticipate your grand arrival and open the door for you.  And what's with the shitty response?  Scoffing, sighing, being a dick, and rolling your eyes are not appropriate responses.  You walked into me, remember?  Next time try apologizing and not acting like a complete asshat.  You actually need to open doors and watch where the fuck you're walking.  You're not as important as you think.  Or important at all for that matter.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Dear Old Man on Bus:

I'm torn here.  On the one hand, you were kind of a huge asshole for no reason, but on the other hand, it's kind of more acceptable to be a huge asshole when you're wicked old and I personally can't wait until its socially acceptable (or at least tolerable) for me to act like that.  In any event, the bus was packed as usual.  You got on the bus and shuffled your way towards the back.  Some nice young person got up and offered you his seat.  This doesn't happen as often as it should, so it was nice to see.  Sadly, however, you were not interested in having this guy's seat.  Instead you flipped the fuck out and lambasted this dude for suggesting that you couldn't stand.  The guy was confused - as was everyone else - and apologized, but you kept on going.  You went on and on about how you were more than capable of standing up and how you weren't so old that you had to sit all the time and how you're fit for your age and how fucking presumptuous it was to assume you couldn't stand.  The young dude eventually stopped listening and awkwardly turned away, but you weren't finished.  You then turned to the girl standing next to you and continued your crazy fucking old man rant.  Eventually you settled down and stopped bitching everyone out, but it was weird and awkward.  I'm pretty sure the appropriate response is either sitting down or politely saying "Thank you, but I'm fine standing." None of this ranting and raving bullshit.  It's kind of completely unnecessary, especially when someone's trying to be nice.