Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dear Person Who Wouldn't Let Me Pass Them:

My current job requires me to drive to work.  Which means no more public transportation. Which means the risk of running into complete wierdos is significantly less while sitting by myself in my car.  (This does not bode well for my attempt at rejuvenating this blog.)  That being said, there are some asshole drivers out there.  In fact, Boston drivers are routinely rated as among the worst in the nation.  You are a prime example of one of those asshole drivers.  I don't think I drive particularly fast, but I certainly drive above the speed limit.  I usually pony up in the far left lane (i.e. what should be the "fast lane"), and just go with the flow of traffic.  That is until I encounter someone driving annoyingly slow, in which case I pass them and continue on my merry way in the "fast lane."  You were driving annoyingly slow.  Eventually I saw my opportunity to pass, so I pulled into the adjacent lane, sped up, and planned to pass you without any issues.  You, however, decided that you were not going to let me pass you.  Instead of driving at the annoyingly slow speed in which you were driving, you decide to pick up the pace and drive right next to me.  So, I continued to speed up, and naturally you proceed to speed right up along with me.  Eventually I caught up to the car in front of me and had to slow down and pull back in behind you.  Because you're apparently a huge dick, you decreased your speed back down to your annoyingly slow speed.  What the fuck, dude?  Why arbitrarily speed up like 20 fucking mph just to prevent me from passing you?  I can't even think of a reason you would want to do this besides the possibility that you simply enjoy being an asshole.  Did I somehow offend you with the notion that you're driving too slow and therefore you decided to prevent me from moving on?  Do you think you're some sort of "neighborhood patrol" of the highway, making sure no one is driving too fast on your watch?  And why are you even in the "fast lane" if you're going to drive so fucking slow?  Move over and drive with the other people ostensibly obeying the speed limit and let the rest of us who want to get the fuck home from work do so at our own pace.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Dear Woman Who Hit On Me:

At first glance this doesn't seem so terrible.  You were, however, like 40.  Still not necessarily terrible yet, you know, if you're into whole "cougar" sort of thing.  You were also shit-faced.  Arguably, this isn't that terrible either, but in between hitting me you also asked for change, so.. I think you were also homeless.  Now, I don't like poking fun at the homeless.  They obviously have had a rough life in some capacity, but getting hit on the bus stop by a drunk homeless woman is certainly fucking awkward.  You started things off by sauntering towards me in some sort of seductive manner.  Okay, seductive isn't the right word.  More like so drunk you could barely walk.  While sauntering/stumbling towards me you began singing "Rehab" by the late Amy Winehouse.  Given your incredible state of intoxication, this sounds about right.  You proceeded to stand as close to me as possible, despite my being the only person at the bus stop, and continued singing while simultaneously "making eyes" at me. After finishing your song, you proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions about what I was up to for the evening and where I lived.  Fucking awkward.  I should also note, that your vodka scented perfume was wonderful.  Your plastic change cup also exuded a certain level of class and sophistication.  How could I resist?  After you realized that your attempt at conversation was not going to be successful you began what I can only describe as wailing -- like a siren -- while periodically telling me "Giddy-up Daddy."  Naturally, the bus was nowhere to be found for quite some time, so I had to put up with this for while.  And thank god you did not try and sit next to me on the bus when it finally fucking came.  As absurd as the situation was from the get-go, I would not have been able to handle sitting next to your drunken hot mess for the entire bus ride.  So, sober up and don't fucking hit on strangers waiting for the bus.  Thanks.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Holy Shit.

Due to strange circumstances and popular demand (that might be a lie), I think I'm going to start writing this again.  New post tomorrow.  Maybe?