Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Dear Woman Who Hit On Me:

At first glance this doesn't seem so terrible.  You were, however, like 40.  Still not necessarily terrible yet, you know, if you're into whole "cougar" sort of thing.  You were also shit-faced.  Arguably, this isn't that terrible either, but in between hitting me you also asked for change, so.. I think you were also homeless.  Now, I don't like poking fun at the homeless.  They obviously have had a rough life in some capacity, but getting hit on the bus stop by a drunk homeless woman is certainly fucking awkward.  You started things off by sauntering towards me in some sort of seductive manner.  Okay, seductive isn't the right word.  More like so drunk you could barely walk.  While sauntering/stumbling towards me you began singing "Rehab" by the late Amy Winehouse.  Given your incredible state of intoxication, this sounds about right.  You proceeded to stand as close to me as possible, despite my being the only person at the bus stop, and continued singing while simultaneously "making eyes" at me. After finishing your song, you proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions about what I was up to for the evening and where I lived.  Fucking awkward.  I should also note, that your vodka scented perfume was wonderful.  Your plastic change cup also exuded a certain level of class and sophistication.  How could I resist?  After you realized that your attempt at conversation was not going to be successful you began what I can only describe as wailing -- like a siren -- while periodically telling me "Giddy-up Daddy."  Naturally, the bus was nowhere to be found for quite some time, so I had to put up with this for while.  And thank god you did not try and sit next to me on the bus when it finally fucking came.  As absurd as the situation was from the get-go, I would not have been able to handle sitting next to your drunken hot mess for the entire bus ride.  So, sober up and don't fucking hit on strangers waiting for the bus.  Thanks.

2 comments:

  1. As a 47 year old female who was once a homeless drunk....wanting to avoid this exact situation was part of my motivation for getting sober 20 years ago...(is there any thing sadder then an old drunk .)

    As to the "cougar" angle, I learned in rehab that alcoholics are (in maturity level) stuck at the age the began drinking, so you were probably really being hit on by a 16 year old . Hope that helps the trauma ; )

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  2. Hey! Glad to see you're back. And, this situation certainly seems like a great inspiration for restarting the 'you have wronged me' rant blog. I started up my own 'you have wronged me' on Wednesdays because I thought yours was so funny. Of course, you are obviously the master of it so keep it up, okay? And one more thing, "Giddy-up, Daddy" HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

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